When I grow up I want to be loved by you / and known by you / for more than being a specter in the alley / but you can't know me / like I know me / I've got that brown girl guilt and now /
I'm brown girl ghosting and / I'm calling my guardian angel a lush / and her backup a bitch / I'm downing a double when the beat drops / and slipping the only other brown girl in this white trash bar / my phone number on a napkin / in front of her white trash date /
I'm brown girl ghosting and / I tell her to call me when she gets tired of him / I'm dancing on glass and bleeding black between my toes painted red / and letting a brown boy at the club / kiss my feet / and kiss my ass / he thinks he's saving me / I’m uninterested / in being saved /
I'm brown girl ghosting and / now I'm playing the harmonica and the sky is overcast / the DJ tells me I'm bad at this / the DJ tells me to go back to where I came from /
I'm brown girl ghosting and / I don't know what to do with that brown girl guilt / and that brown girl shame and / I've grown / very good at brown girl shame spiraling and / I've grown / very good at losing my brown girl memory while / clinging to my brown girl guilt /
I'm brown girl ghosting and / when I grow up I want to forgive myself / when I grow up I want to be more girl than ghost / but tonight / I'm your phantom pixie dream girl and / I'm brown girl ghosting and / when I grow up I’ll be my own savior //
Layla Maher is a writer from the Deep South. Her creative writing has appeared in Maudlin House, Neologism Poetry Journal, and elsewhere. She is a 2020 Brain Mill Press National Poetry Month Shortlist poet. In her free time, Layla likes to read, hike, and seek the silver linings.
Instagram: @sarsoura_isdoingherbest